How do you know when you're fully grown up?
I stopped growing at 14; I've been confidently 5'6.5" since 9th grade.
I was legally an adult at 18-- 3 years, 8 months, 20 days ago.
I became financially independent when I graduated from college May 2010.
But am I a woman? Biologically, of course. I am female, my body is physically able to reproduce, but what makes one a woman? Or man, as the case may be... Recently my notes (corrections, things to work on, for my non-dancers) in rehearsal have been that I dance like a girl, and not like a woman. I try. Obviously. I work hard to take the corrections, and move in a way that is mature. But what is it that makes a girl a woman? Is there one specific rite of passage that moves you to womanhood? Or is it a combination of things? Do you wake up one day, and think I'm officially mature.
Good dancing, incorporates good acting. Even if you aren't telling a story, a lackluster performance quality, can make good technique and training, bad dance. Sometimes when I dance I have an alter ego. She's a bolder, fiercer, sexier, sassier, hotter and all around more over the top version of, well, me. Her name is Malia Chantel. Malia came about for dancing that didn't feel comfortable on me. She is the character I go to when I move in a way that's not my personality. I like to be her. But I prefer movement where I can be me. It feels more honest that way. I have my own performance quality, that I hear is just as good if not as "in yo face" as Malia is.
Which leads us back to the point. I'm a young dancer, and a young woman. I clearly lack certain life experiences. We've been over my sheltered youth. I didn't have a hard life; I didn't have to overcome some travesty to pursue my dreams, I was never brutalized or suffered abuse. I had clothes on my back and food in my fridge. I didn't have to grow up quickly to take care of younger siblings. So all those things that make for interesting life experience never happened to me. All of a sudden all of the analogies in rehearsal have turned sex related. "You know when you're doing [that thing] and then..." umm no...sorry, I still have my V-Card.
So which of those character building life experiences makes a girl a woman? I can't say. If I knew I probably wouldn't be writing this, and I wouldn't be getting that note in rehearsal. I'm not a girl. Not yet a woman. I'm still trying to find the woman in me. All I need is time.
the rest is still UNwritten
My Body is a Piece of Art
photo by Jaqi Medlock
July 23, 2011
July 17, 2011
Carpe Diem
Life is too short, to not live everyday to the fullest.
Live. Laugh. Love. Dance.
What's your motto?
UNwritten
Live. Laugh. Love. Dance.
What's your motto?
UNwritten
July 5, 2011
Classy B****
I've been reading a lot of historical romance novels recently. And before you get your judgmental hat on, it's not literary porn. I mean, there's really only so much sex you can write about basing a story in 19th century London. I enjoy reading about the ton, and the Season in London. I find it... fascinating... I guess. All the Lords and Dukes, Earls and Marquis -- first rate gentleman. And the rakes, of course. Now they make for the interesting sex bits. Most of the stories are about how the gentleman with the borderline rakish behavior (or vice versa) fall in love with the Lady and live happily ever after- with you know, what ever plot twists make things interesting. They go to balls, and the Ladies wear three dresses a day (morning dress, riding habit, and evening gowns). They drive with horse drawn carriages, or phaetons, or curricles. They call on people in the morning, with a butler to act as Caller ID. They may not be home to answer your call. They sit in drawing rooms and talk about... the weather. Literally. And whatever gossip currently drove the ton.
And oh the scandals! It's improper for an unmarried Lady to go anywhere by herself. It's improper for a Lady to be in a man's presence unchaperoned at all. Any amount of time spent unchaperoned with a man, could ruin a Lady. She could be shunned from ballrooms, drawing rooms, and without marriage prospects. She'd be forced to become a spinster. At 25 she'd be too old, already on the shelf, and she'd spend the rest of her life in the country, or any further Seasons in London sitting on the sidelines watching men in their 30s woo a 17-year-old chit.
And the conversation must have been captivating. What is there to talk about? Hair ribbons, and bows? Whose ball is the talk of the ton. What the weather would be like for the rest of the Season. It's not as if they did much else. There were, of course, business men, traders, and household staff, but no one tells stories from there point of view. I'm sure there isn't much known about them aside from how they served nobility. But the rules for them were different, you see, because a maid was not a Lady. Oh no, there are things a maid could do that a Lady could not.
For example, Ladies did not leave their rooms without being properly clothed. There was no slumping through the manor for breakfast in their pjs. They wore kidskin leather gloves, all. the. time. The anticipation of a man touching her bare hand was probably enough to make him come in his pants. Petticoats, corsets, stockings, hoops, chemise, garters-- so many layers to their ensemble, no wonder they needed help dressing. A bodice cut too low at the wrong function was means for gossip and could ruin her invitations for the rest of the Season. Her worth was measured by her parents' title, and her skill on the piano, or with her voice. A dukes daughter who couldn't do anything but stand there looking pretty, was a better marriage prospect than an earl's daughter who could sing and draw.
And for gentleman, there weren't many rules on the way they conducted themselves. But in the presence of a Lady, there could be no swearing, cursing, or any sort of generally unsuitable behavior. No lingering glances or touching. NO KISSING. No dancing more than one dance with the same girl. Two dances meant marriage was in mind, and three was too scandalous to discuss the meaning of that. When it comes to Ladies all that could be done is stare from afar, spend a few chaperoned moments together, and wax poetic about her beauty and grace.
A woman that is not a Lady, on the other hand. Well, all bets were off. They were the mistresses, the whores, the lightskirts, the courtesans. The women who knew the score, not the Ladies. Men could do with those women whatever they pleased, and those women knew something that the Ladies did not. Those women knew desire and passion. Harlots that they were, they knew that feeling low in their belly, the desire for a man. They got his passion. And sometimes, (not in the stories I read, mind you) his wife, the Lady that he married, only got his children.
Passion is not a dirty word. But it was then. A Lady was not passionate. Whores are passionate. Because no one ever talked about sex, how were they to know the way her body reacts in arousal. And wanting to be wanted by a man, and wanting him in return does not make you a harlot. It's so unfortunate, that because they don't know anything about sex or passion, they often mistook their desire for a man they loved as something bad. I find that more often than not I end up getting really pissed at the heroine, in these historical romances. She's just so...dumb. I skip ahead a few pages, thinking shut up you blithering idiot! I don't care what the Duchess of Somerset was wearing and I don't even want to read about it. And ironically, girls like me with their nose in a book were laughed at in polite society. A Lady flirts and simpers, she doesn't read. Not often at least, and nothing smart.
So when did things begin to change? And how did we get to this point? 200 years. Okay, so that's a bit of time, and there was that whole rebellion thing "No taxation without representation" *rolls eyes* ...whatever. But why is the norm now for women not to act like a lady. I'm not talking 15 layers of clothes with the inability to hold a decent conversation because you're too busy giggling behind your fan. Nor am I thinking of some sort of restriction on what you can and cannot do based on gender. I'm referring to class. Even if you're not born wealthy, as a woman, a lady, you have to have some class.
Unfortunately, if everyone had class then it wouldn't make some people stick out. But I want my nieces, my younger cousins and eventually my own daughter to have class. If you act like a queen, and carry yourself like you're important (not snobbish) then people will treat you accordingly. That man hollering at you from down the block, he doesn't know how to speak to a lady. That approach may work for some girl, she may turn around and inquire, but not me. I know my value, it's not determined by the price of my clothes or even that I'm an excellent dancer. No, I am a lady. And I deserve to be treated as such. You don't have to hold my hand when I walk up the steps, I'm quite capable, you don't even have to open the door for me if I get there first. But you will not treat me as your personal play thing. I have a life with things to do. You will respect my person and my time. If you want the pleasure of my time, don't waste it. I have better things to do than sit around if I'm making time to see you. Take me to dinner, to a movie, to a play something that says you value the time I spend with you. Do not get nasty because you think you deserve more of me. Do not get flippant when I say I'm busy. and Do not tell me how you can help me with that pesky little Virginity problem I've still got. When I'm interested, I'll be sure to let you know.
I'm a Classy B**** And don't ever forget it.
the rest is still UNwritten
And oh the scandals! It's improper for an unmarried Lady to go anywhere by herself. It's improper for a Lady to be in a man's presence unchaperoned at all. Any amount of time spent unchaperoned with a man, could ruin a Lady. She could be shunned from ballrooms, drawing rooms, and without marriage prospects. She'd be forced to become a spinster. At 25 she'd be too old, already on the shelf, and she'd spend the rest of her life in the country, or any further Seasons in London sitting on the sidelines watching men in their 30s woo a 17-year-old chit.
And the conversation must have been captivating. What is there to talk about? Hair ribbons, and bows? Whose ball is the talk of the ton. What the weather would be like for the rest of the Season. It's not as if they did much else. There were, of course, business men, traders, and household staff, but no one tells stories from there point of view. I'm sure there isn't much known about them aside from how they served nobility. But the rules for them were different, you see, because a maid was not a Lady. Oh no, there are things a maid could do that a Lady could not.
For example, Ladies did not leave their rooms without being properly clothed. There was no slumping through the manor for breakfast in their pjs. They wore kidskin leather gloves, all. the. time. The anticipation of a man touching her bare hand was probably enough to make him come in his pants. Petticoats, corsets, stockings, hoops, chemise, garters-- so many layers to their ensemble, no wonder they needed help dressing. A bodice cut too low at the wrong function was means for gossip and could ruin her invitations for the rest of the Season. Her worth was measured by her parents' title, and her skill on the piano, or with her voice. A dukes daughter who couldn't do anything but stand there looking pretty, was a better marriage prospect than an earl's daughter who could sing and draw.
And for gentleman, there weren't many rules on the way they conducted themselves. But in the presence of a Lady, there could be no swearing, cursing, or any sort of generally unsuitable behavior. No lingering glances or touching. NO KISSING. No dancing more than one dance with the same girl. Two dances meant marriage was in mind, and three was too scandalous to discuss the meaning of that. When it comes to Ladies all that could be done is stare from afar, spend a few chaperoned moments together, and wax poetic about her beauty and grace.
A woman that is not a Lady, on the other hand. Well, all bets were off. They were the mistresses, the whores, the lightskirts, the courtesans. The women who knew the score, not the Ladies. Men could do with those women whatever they pleased, and those women knew something that the Ladies did not. Those women knew desire and passion. Harlots that they were, they knew that feeling low in their belly, the desire for a man. They got his passion. And sometimes, (not in the stories I read, mind you) his wife, the Lady that he married, only got his children.
Passion is not a dirty word. But it was then. A Lady was not passionate. Whores are passionate. Because no one ever talked about sex, how were they to know the way her body reacts in arousal. And wanting to be wanted by a man, and wanting him in return does not make you a harlot. It's so unfortunate, that because they don't know anything about sex or passion, they often mistook their desire for a man they loved as something bad. I find that more often than not I end up getting really pissed at the heroine, in these historical romances. She's just so...dumb. I skip ahead a few pages, thinking shut up you blithering idiot! I don't care what the Duchess of Somerset was wearing and I don't even want to read about it. And ironically, girls like me with their nose in a book were laughed at in polite society. A Lady flirts and simpers, she doesn't read. Not often at least, and nothing smart.
So when did things begin to change? And how did we get to this point? 200 years. Okay, so that's a bit of time, and there was that whole rebellion thing "No taxation without representation" *rolls eyes* ...whatever. But why is the norm now for women not to act like a lady. I'm not talking 15 layers of clothes with the inability to hold a decent conversation because you're too busy giggling behind your fan. Nor am I thinking of some sort of restriction on what you can and cannot do based on gender. I'm referring to class. Even if you're not born wealthy, as a woman, a lady, you have to have some class.
Unfortunately, if everyone had class then it wouldn't make some people stick out. But I want my nieces, my younger cousins and eventually my own daughter to have class. If you act like a queen, and carry yourself like you're important (not snobbish) then people will treat you accordingly. That man hollering at you from down the block, he doesn't know how to speak to a lady. That approach may work for some girl, she may turn around and inquire, but not me. I know my value, it's not determined by the price of my clothes or even that I'm an excellent dancer. No, I am a lady. And I deserve to be treated as such. You don't have to hold my hand when I walk up the steps, I'm quite capable, you don't even have to open the door for me if I get there first. But you will not treat me as your personal play thing. I have a life with things to do. You will respect my person and my time. If you want the pleasure of my time, don't waste it. I have better things to do than sit around if I'm making time to see you. Take me to dinner, to a movie, to a play something that says you value the time I spend with you. Do not get nasty because you think you deserve more of me. Do not get flippant when I say I'm busy. and Do not tell me how you can help me with that pesky little Virginity problem I've still got. When I'm interested, I'll be sure to let you know.
I'm a Classy B**** And don't ever forget it.
the rest is still UNwritten
July 4, 2011
You Are Sixteen Going On Seventeen
Today I was talking to my Mommy. My relationship with Marvel has already been established, but for those of you just joining (and not reading, Previously In Epiphany's Blog) my mom and I have a strong if unusual mother-daughter relationship. She's still my best friend. And I'm still her daughter. We talk about everything. What can I say? She's a cool mom.
We were talking about a lot of things-- you can cover a lot of topics in 45 minutes. I was lamenting the fact that sometimes because of how young I look I'm typed out of some castings. I'm 21 years old, but even on my best nights I look 18. And I often times look younger. My older cousin has 20 month old daughter, "it seems like yesterday you were her age," she said. *Sigh* What fond memories I have of been a child in the Gentry Family. Well, I don't really remember, but there are pictures enough of my cousins and me that I know roughly what was going on. We were cute.
Darn kids. Grow up so fast. Like I said, I'm 21. 21 years ago, my family celebrated its first Umoja weekend-- our family reunion. I was still an infant, and Jay was just a little older than that, no more than a toddler. A lot has changed since then. My newest niece is 9 weeks old, I haven't seen her in person yet, but my seester texts me pictures every week, and we can skype. I've not had to leave New York. Going to Chicago to see my grandmother was like, the biggest deal in my young childhood.
So back to tonight and me lamenting my fortunate genes that allow me to look so young. My mom was telling me how at Umoja weekend, yesterday she told my aunt that before she knew it, my 8-year-old cousin, Nikke (not to be confused with Morenikke, who's nickname is also Nikke, but pronounced differently) would be wearing a bra. And my aunt said that Oh! Nikke already wears bras for her "breast buds"
Now, I'm sorry, but what the heck are those? There are stages, Mom was told, that progress through puberty. Two sophisticated ladies that we are, and we didn't know what "breast buds" were. So, naturally, I googled it. Mind you I just went through puberty, it hasn't even been 10 years and already there is a new name for it. When I was younger you wore a training bra, once you got some substance behind your little mosquito bites. My cousin wears a "bra" and she's a flat chested as any 8-year-old ought to be. Why, little girl, do you want to wear a bra so badly? I opt out of them as often as possible, and I know tons of women who wish they could.
Here's what my research found. When I started searching google actually suggested Stages of Breast Buds. Why thank you, oh knowledgeable internet. At http://www.female-puberty.com I found all the information a girl could want on pubescent boobs! Annnnd everything else puberty related. Here's a small lesson, for those of you who haven't been through puberty in awhile. Times are changing, best keep up with the fads.
Regardless of when you start to get them, puberty breasts are one of the most obvious signs, to you and others, that you are becoming a woman. It is often the first sign that you have started puberty.
We were talking about a lot of things-- you can cover a lot of topics in 45 minutes. I was lamenting the fact that sometimes because of how young I look I'm typed out of some castings. I'm 21 years old, but even on my best nights I look 18. And I often times look younger. My older cousin has 20 month old daughter, "it seems like yesterday you were her age," she said. *Sigh* What fond memories I have of been a child in the Gentry Family. Well, I don't really remember, but there are pictures enough of my cousins and me that I know roughly what was going on. We were cute.
Darn kids. Grow up so fast. Like I said, I'm 21. 21 years ago, my family celebrated its first Umoja weekend-- our family reunion. I was still an infant, and Jay was just a little older than that, no more than a toddler. A lot has changed since then. My newest niece is 9 weeks old, I haven't seen her in person yet, but my seester texts me pictures every week, and we can skype. I've not had to leave New York. Going to Chicago to see my grandmother was like, the biggest deal in my young childhood.
 |
| 6 weeks |
 |
| Morenikke Delaney April 26, 2011 |
So back to tonight and me lamenting my fortunate genes that allow me to look so young. My mom was telling me how at Umoja weekend, yesterday she told my aunt that before she knew it, my 8-year-old cousin, Nikke (not to be confused with Morenikke, who's nickname is also Nikke, but pronounced differently) would be wearing a bra. And my aunt said that Oh! Nikke already wears bras for her "breast buds"
Now, I'm sorry, but what the heck are those? There are stages, Mom was told, that progress through puberty. Two sophisticated ladies that we are, and we didn't know what "breast buds" were. So, naturally, I googled it. Mind you I just went through puberty, it hasn't even been 10 years and already there is a new name for it. When I was younger you wore a training bra, once you got some substance behind your little mosquito bites. My cousin wears a "bra" and she's a flat chested as any 8-year-old ought to be. Why, little girl, do you want to wear a bra so badly? I opt out of them as often as possible, and I know tons of women who wish they could.
Here's what my research found. When I started searching google actually suggested Stages of Breast Buds. Why thank you, oh knowledgeable internet. At http://www.female-puberty.com I found all the information a girl could want on pubescent boobs! Annnnd everything else puberty related. Here's a small lesson, for those of you who haven't been through puberty in awhile. Times are changing, best keep up with the fads.
Regardless of when you start to get them, puberty breasts are one of the most obvious signs, to you and others, that you are becoming a woman. It is often the first sign that you have started puberty.
When you were a little girl, there wasn't much to distinguish you from the boys when you ran around without a shirt. Things are about to change. Over the next three to four years of breast development, your breasts are going to swell and grow until they are fully developed.
What are the stages of Breast Development?
Doctors have made it easy for you to identify where you are at in your breasts development by putting it into 5 stages. Try and figure out which stage you are in now.Stage 1
This is the little girl stage before you have any development because puberty hasn't yet begun for you. Your chest is flat except for your nipples which stick out a little. In another description, she defined nipples. Thanks, lady, because I didn't know what those were..Stage 2
This is when you start to develop breast buds. Breast buds for girls is a small swelling under you nipples. The raised part is made up of the same tissue, fat, and glands that will make up your breasts when they are fully developed (right now it is just in smaller amounts).The small mounds that develop may be uneven on each side of your chest and that is okay. In fact your breasts may develop at slightly different rates during all of the stages of breast development and that is normal. Phew! I thought I'd have lopsided tits forever!
Stage 3
Your puberty breasts are gradually getting bigger during this stage. Also, the dark colored circle of skin around your nipple, called your areolas, is also expanding to become a larger circle. Your nipples and areolas may start standing out from your actual breasts. This may look like a mound on a mountain. Your breast are taking on their adult form, but have not gotten to their adult size yet.Stage 4
Everything continues to get bigger. You don't say? Your areolas and nipples more noticeably stand out now from your puberty breasts. It is common for your breasts to look a little pointy when you are at this stage.Stage 5
Stage 4 and 5 may kinda mesh together for some of you. Stage 5 is where you have reached your adult shape and size for puberty breasts. Your breasts has grown larger and fuller, not as pointy anymore. You also don't have a separate mound for your nipple and areola because they have become one mound with your puberty breast tissue.Some of you may not think you have reached this stage because your breasts are not as large as you expected them to be. There is a chance your breasts will continue to develop, and there will also be times in your life when they get larger (for example, when you are breast feeding a baby or if you gain weight in the future).
There were points when I literally laughed out loud reading these descriptions to my mom. I guess to me it just sounds like common sense. And maybe it's because by the time I started going through puberty I knew just about everything there was to know about my body. Or maybe because I'm 21, I don't know. But I laughed my way through every tab on that site. Puberty Breasts, Hormones, Menstruation, Sex, Vagina, and Gynecological Exam were just a few of the tabs I read through. There are portions that are targeted for young girls, obviously, like the boob section. But then the gynecological, and sex sections are seeking an older audience. How old are you when you're going through puberty? Like 11-18ish? I know some guys who went to college looking like boys, and came home for the summer looking like men. And it differs from person to person, so obviously I can't pin an age on it. But honestly, I hope by the time you're old enough to be deciding to have sex you know the basic mechanics of it. Ohhh that's what that's for? Is not the proper response. You are so not ready.
In my personal opinion, young girls reading about the stages of their breast development and worrying Will mine get bigger? do not need to be reading about puberty sex. Regardless of the stand taken. One may argue that if teens are going to have sex, knowledgeable, safer sex is preferable to unprotected sex that results in unwanted children. I would agree. But I also think that sex at a young age is a stupid decision to make. (Yeah, yeah says the girl with the V card, you say... What'd I tell you about patronizing me?)
I suppose this just all goes back to the last entry about change. Things are constantly changing, even in the world of science and medicine. They are forever trying to come up with new cures and discoveries etc. etc. and in the process they've obviously given more detail to the whole puberty development thing. The internet is so accessible that anyone who can spell can google anything they want to know about. Who needs parents when google can tell you, anything your heart desires...or point you to something that can. I'm sad to say that there are some girls who go through puberty not knowing anything about the changes going on in their bodies. The hormones, the periods, and the physical changes could turn the most confident of little girls into self-conscious teens with low self-esteem.
Girls who end up thinking if only I was prettier...
If only my boobs were bigger...
If only I knew what the hell was going on...
But they don't. And there's no one to tell them, or they don't feel comfortable asking. So they sneak to the library, or on the family computer, and search out sites like the one I found tonight. And they learn, as best they can, and then they delete the internet history. So no one knows the change they're going through. And that young they don't know any better. Eventually, you get through puberty, gain some life experience, and find who you're supposed to be. But you don't know who you're supposed to be, at fifteen.
♫♫♫
When you're fifteen
And somebody tells you they love you
You're going to believe them
When you're fifteen
Don't forget to look before you fall
♫♫
the rest is still UNwritten...
Works Cited
Fifteen. Taylor Swift. Fearless. 2008, Big Machine Records, LLC.
Your Time to Blossom. Female Puberty. July 3, 2011.
♫♫
the rest is still UNwritten...
Works Cited
Fifteen. Taylor Swift. Fearless. 2008, Big Machine Records, LLC.
Your Time to Blossom. Female Puberty. July 3, 2011.
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