You Put the BALLER in Ballerina

And I'm a BOSS

I've been reading the blog musings of several black ballerinas recently and I've felt inspired. Even though a huge part of me wants to hate their stupid guts; successful, skinny-assed baller-inas that they are. It's humbling to realize that I'm not alone in my daily struggles of being a black woman-child (I'm only grown in the most technical of ways) in a skinny white girl's world. Hell, they're both famous so I know their audience is much larger than mine. I mean at least 132 people like her blog on facebook. And I am convinced my Mom, Dad and Yalanda are the only people who read this regularly. (Please don't comment on the truth of that statement.) Anyway they address things that interest me, but not enough to write about. My personal demons are none of your damn business, no offense. Maybe, when I grow up, I'll be able to write about how unfortunate it is that young dancers of all races face the almost impossible ideals of the perfect "dancer's body." How hard it is to succeed and be healthy in an industry where everyone--even your friends-- judges you based on how you look, how high you jump and how fast you twirl. It's nice to know that all the women I wish I was or could be when I grow up, aren't perfect. Even though they sure do look it.

Careers in ABT, DTH, Ailey, Armitage Gone Dance, LINES, Complexions, abroad in Europe, freelancing with Christopher Wheeldon, partnering with Rubi Pronk, lead principal roles in feature length films. Every f***ing (with a "g", enunciate that in your mind) thing that I want to do and haven't yet. I mean yes, Aesha Ash has got 10 years on me. But still, at my age she had 3 years in ABT. I'll never be in a flat out ballet company. I know that. I've accepted it. Mostly. Unfortunately, every time I see Misty Copeland dance, I die a little inside with jealousy. I wish I could do that. I wish I had been confident enough in myself to screw what they said, because I want to do ballet. But I didn't. I settled. Don't get me wrong, I don't actually want to dance in ABT, or even DTH for that matter. Frankly straight up ballet can be boring. I love contemporary ballet. I love what I do and I love the company that I dance for. But I wish I hadn't let someone discourage me because I looked so different from the other girls, when I did it. Put me on stage by myself and I can do ballet no problem.

But that's not the point. I'm not really sure what the point is right now, but I do know this: I'm not putting the "baller" in ballerina. I think what I'm trying to convey is that despite my lack of classical ballet company experience, I'm right inline for whatever it is I'll be doing next. I am a dancer, and I am versatile. And that's pretty boss. In and of itself...Right?



the rest is still UNwritten