You're A Cool Mom

Happy Mother's Day!!

My life flashed before my eyes when my super said that to me this morning as I walked Oreo (who is 20 weeks now! Which is just a silly way of saying she's 10 days away from being 5 months old!)

Having a baby dog is hard enough. I literally cannot imagine having a tiny human. The only thing I have to worry about is if Oreo will ever learn to stop jumping on people and to not eat food off the street. Those are mild concerns compared to if your tiny human ends up being a sociopath and murdering co-eds, or you know, something like that. Seriously!! What if your kid is the next Jack the Ripper?! The news people are interviewing you and all you can think of is "where did I go wrong? I should have known little Jack was off when I saw the dead squirrels in his room..." But I digress. 

Today is about my mom. The bestest most wonderful mother in the entire world. This is a fact. I'M NOT BIASED! Granted I went through a phase around 12-13 when I hated her. Truth. I found a little notebook I used to pretend was a diary and wrote "I hate you" in it an embarrassing number of time. I think I threw it away. (I hope I did anyway, please don't go looking for it mom. And if you do find it throw it away. DO NOT READ! OMG so embarrassing) But after that short period I realized that while she called parents to make sure I was going where I said I was going; she was in fact a cool mom. If I just told the truth chances are she'd let me go. My high school friends used to sneak out to do stuff at night. I'd just tell my mom and then walk out the front door. 

I don't know why everyone isn't just honest with their parents. Open lines of communication are the best. I'm not sure exactly at what age I realized that, sometime during high school, but by the time I moved to New York I was 17 and my mom was my best friend. I could tell her anything - and I do. She was the first person I called when I finally swiped my V-Card at almost 22. She said "was it good?" The guy was like "I can't believe you told your mom!" And I was like WHO ELSE WOULD I TELL? I called her on my way home when that guy at worked LICKED MY FREAKING EAR! I texted her from target when I almost bought a portable sewing machine - she said "Are you going to take up sewing?" because perspective. 

I talk to my mom every day. Every. Single. Day. About everything and nothing. It's always been me and her against the world. But recently her relationship status has changed. And I'm so happy for her. For one half of a second I worried how this new person in her life would change our dynamic. Now I realize they just make me roll my eyes. The two of them are so romantic and gross I can't even handle it. Seriously. They celebrate each month anniversary and speak in Italian endearments 😒  But it's great because she deserves nothing but the best and I think that's what this man is. I jokingly (actually, I was pretty serious) told him, when they first started dating, that I'd be impressed if she still liked him after 6 months. That was in December. And even though I roll my eyes literally every time she talks about him, she tells me everything just like I tell her. 

I learned to be strong and independent from my mom. I learned confidence and humility. I learned that no matter how angry you are at service industry people, you get more flies with honey. I learned to stand up for myself and I'll ALWAYS stand up for her against anyone. I wouldn't trade my mother for any other or all the money in the world. If you told me I could have my broadway dreams or my mom, I'd choose her no question every time. She is my rock and my confidant. She is the best part of me. I am literally all that I am because of her.  She is my very best friend. In the words of Tina Fey & Amy Poehler- She's not a regular mom, she's a cool mom! 

I guess it all just boils down to this: There's no one I'd rather talk sh*t with. Happy Mother's Day Mommy!

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Single Black Female, Addicted to Retail

 Hey guys!

I adopted a puppy!! She's the cutest thing ever created. Seriously. So forgive me for taking such a long break in writing. She takes up literally all my thoughts. All. Of. Them.

                                               

I mean, can't you see why? She's 2 and half months of adorable that I never expected to have in my life. That being said, she's also rolls and rolls of paper towels, puppy food, puppy treats, hardwood floor safe pet cleaner, chew toys, wee wee pads, biting repellant and sacrificed slippers that I didn't expect to have in my life.

$5 here, $10 there, adoption fees, vet bills, petco starter kit. It's been 12 days and I've already spent a small fortune on this sweet girl. Which brings us to today's topic

Nonessential Essentials 

But Epiphany, you ask, what are nonessentials? Well, I'll tell you. Oreo was a nonessential. I could have absolutely continued to live my life without her. I wouldn't have so much love or pieces of my hands missing; but I would have survived. Nonessentials are things you want, can maybe afford, but don't absolutely need.

- Those new shoes from Rihanna
- Tickets to Coachella to see Bey perform while prego with twins.
- Membership to phishing site (is that a real thing?) to sell the tickets to coachella since Bey won't be performing
- Extravagant evening with dinner and theater tickets
- Having dinner delivered... every night. seamless for life!!
- Spontaneous clothes shopping
- Wine that cost more than $10 a bottle
- Rescue pups... 😐

All of these things are super fun and we totally want to experience a certain quality of life! But if you're trying to save money these are the first types of things you skip. You need to save these nonessential things for when times are a little more flush (tax refund season anyone?)

If you want to track how much money you're spending on nonessentials try for a month, or even a couple of weeks. Keep your receipts and check your card statements to see exactly how much you're spending on going out, and movies, clothes and other nonessentials. Note it in that notebook you got to track your bills, or if you're feeling fancy make a spreadsheet.

Bonus Hint: Keeping track all year long helps when it comes times to do taxes in February. Believe me. I do my own! 😉

That's all for now!

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Help Me, I'm Poor!!

Living in New York as an artist comes with a certain stigma. Like you're not really making it, unless you're starving. But come on, I like to eat. I don't want to starve. Between rent, and bills, and friends, staying in shape and still trying to have fun, sometimes it feels like you'll be eating ramen and peanut butter forever. 

But listen up! It doesn't have to be that way. I promise! I mean, sometimes you'll eat ramen, but only because it's delicious and you get like 10 meals for a dollar (that is a hell of a bargain) 

I can't pretend I have all the answers. I’m still muddling through, just trying to figure it out. But we're going to talk about some of the things I've learned in the last 10 years living here in New York. Maybe these tips are for you? Maybe they'll help you gain a modicum of control. Maybe not, but then you can just laugh at my stories...

  

First off it feels like you never have any money. AmIright? Like no matter how much you work, you pay your bills with a wish and a prayer - and maybe post dated- in the hope the money will be there. Hey!...guess what? The first of the month comes EVERY month. And you have, like, all month to prepare for it. So here is today's tip. Ready? 

Know What You Owe! 

Yup I said it. Your bills shouldn't be a surprise. Go through your email (or your regular mail if you're technology resistant) and check out your monthly payments. List them out. 

Rent - $1300

Phone- $110

Internet/cable - $65

Gas- $15

Electric -$25

Gym-$21

Netflix-$10

Apple Music-$10

Car payments/insurance-$350

Credit cards a,b&c (minimums to figure out budget - we'll talk more about this later) -$300 

These are your expenses. If you're me you need to make $2206/ a month to pay the bills. 

That may seem daunting but if you know what you owe, you know what you need to earn. As artists (I'm assuming everyone reading this is an artist, but I could be wrong. Don't be offended) we're visual. Laying everything out so you can see what you owe and what you earn is the first part of getting a grip on your finances. Write it in a notebook, make a spreadsheet, shoot, just jot it down on a paper towel if you have to. But get a solid grasp of what you need to make. Then you see it all in black and white; and if you owe more than you make you'll know its time to step up that hustle. Because I'll tell you right now, you cannot live your life in the red. 

The next tip is knowing WHEN you owe. Trying to pay bills due on the 1st with checks you're getting paid on the 6th doesn't work. Get ahead of the bills by making sure you have enough BEFORE the bill is due. If you don't make enough in one check to pay all the bills due, make sure you've saved enough from the previous payday. 

Being ahead is better than falling behind. 

That's a good start for now, friends. Stay tuned for more fun with finances -- It's not that fun actually, but fairly necessary in life. We'll tackle issues like:

- Cutting back nonessentials to save money (You don't NEED to send Beyonce a gift for the twins, I promise they won't be mad)

- Credit card debt  (The never ending cycle?) 

- Disposable income (I mean disposable like you can do stuff and not worry about not being able to pay bills. #winning) 


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New Direction

It's kind of like One Direction...except not at all.

I used this space in my early twenties to share my adventures of being young and 20 in New York City.

Now I'm...not 20... and quasi have my life together? I pay my bills on time like every month. So that's something. Anyway, here's hoping that I can shed some knowledge from the financial follies of my early 20s.

Step 1- Don't loan people money you're not okay with not getting back - They probably won't return it. And then you're not out $8K like me

Step 2 - Don't let people write checks from your check book. Because that's theft.

Step 3 - Don't sublet to ANYONE who says they don't use online banking. THEY CAN'T BE TRUSTED!

But hey! These are important life lessons I needed to learn? Yeah... let's go with that.  #LiveandLearn

All that said, let's not be poor together!

Tell The People

Something They Don't Know About Me

My kindness is mistaken for weakness. All the time. 

I don't like many people; but I am beyond loyal, caring and supportive to the people I love. 

I stopped outwardly expressing sad emotions 15 years ago. 

It took me 2 hours in an acting class to be able to talk about that time he took all my stuff. 

I still don't understand.

Just because I don't express them, doesn't mean I don't have feelings. 

They can be hurt.

My mother is still my best friend. And probably always will be.

I'm handy. I spent 2 weeks in Peru, building bathrooms out of adobe.

My name is Epiphany. None of your jokes about it are witty or original. 

I'd appreciate if you could remember that...

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Hello, My Name Is ____Epiphany_____

And I have no desire to get married and have babies.

There. I said it. Sorry, I'm not sorry?

I don't want to get married. And I don't want to procreate. And I don't want to move away from New York, and settle down in a house with a picket fence and a sensible eco friendly car.

I don't want to engage anyone else in idle chatter about how their day was. Or attempt to explain, in any coherent fashion, what it means to be a background actor in SAG-AFTRA. I don't want to support anyone emotionally or financially; and if I did, I assure you, I would get a puppy and not a boyfriend. 

None of that. I want to live in my apartment in a still sketchy but slowly gentrifying area of Brooklyn. I want to pay $1300 (but subject to change at management's will) in rent for the rest of my life. I want to dance and act and model and never set foot in a corporate office for a 9-5 job. Unless they hire me to smile at them for $25+ an hour. Then I'd go...

I want to hire a manager to handle the boring day-to-day events of my life. And to, you know, talk to people for me. So I can solely focus on the most important person in my life. MYSELF!!

At least I'm honest about it. I make no excuses or even pretend to care that the only person that matters in my decision making process, is me. I am so totally and completely self centered. And that's okay. Because I know exactly what I want, and even more I know what I DON'T want. 

I know I'd rather walk around naked than save a couple hundred bucks by having a roommate.  

I know I'd rather work 15 hour shoot days than work 8 hours in a cubicle wanting to stab my eyeballs out. 

I know I'd rather go out at 11 PM than be someone's mom.

and

I know I don't want to watch my life as it passes by; wishing I'd had the balls to make my work something I really love.

So instead, I will take week long vacations to Cabo San Lucas  Cartegena, Colombia. Work when I want to, on what I want to. Lay in bed all damn day drinking wine straight from the bottle. Eat. Sleep. and Perform. I will be who I am, exactly the way I am. And while I may wonder how anyone feels they can be responsible for another living creature, (I went on vacation and my goldfish died...) I'll try not to judge you... openly.



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Just. Say. No

Dear Sirs.

I am exhausted of being subjected to inappropriate interactions while you vie for my attention. Don't look at me like I'm a cold-hearted bitch because I demand respect. So I've come up with a list of  unacceptable behaviors. Should you actually wish me to acknowledge your presence... find. Another. Conversation. Starter.

Do NOT:

• Call at/to me from down the street. Because you look like an idiot, hollering at someone that is ignoring you. And yes, I am ignoring you. 

• Hiss, click, snap, or make kissing sounds at me. Since I'm not a domesticated animal, I think you're looking for your pet.

• Honk at me from a red light, pull up beside me, or otherwise stop traffic to ask me ANYTHING. a) I feel like you might try to kidnap me. b) My mommy told me not to get in the car with strangers

• Advise an adjustment for my demeanor "You should smile more!"  Fuck. Off.  :) 

• Stand in front of my treadmill trying to hold a conversation. Really? I stop talking to the people that I like while I'm at the gym. Why would I talk to you? While I'm trying to run.

This guy has the right idea. "Hey asshole, women are human beings." If you want a woman, treat her like a lady.

the rest is still UNwritten...